I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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