i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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