She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
