Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
