And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
