Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
