please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
