I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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