Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
