Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
