he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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