so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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