Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize