oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
