The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
