This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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