I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
