You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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