Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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