Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
