Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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