maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
