Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize