Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize