I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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