Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
