After last night, I could never be a politician.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
