I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize