Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
