She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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