I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
