They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
