Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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