I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
