Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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