You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i believe in u and ur pee
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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