I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
