I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
