I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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