you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
His nipple licking is glorious
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