I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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