dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
