You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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