After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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