So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
