she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
