your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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