she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
