I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
