i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
