i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
