Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
