My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
