Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
