Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
