I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
4 words: hood of his car
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize