My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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