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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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