Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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