i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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