I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
