think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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