Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
