You're completely useless in the revolution.
I didn't shave. On purpose
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
