Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
